"Stop yourself before you say something stupid - but make sure you always say something insane"

I will post ideas both from others and myself here. What I'm thinking about, etc.

02/01/22>Feeling bad about bees in my garden.
I am a murderer.
I have killed - crushed - 2 innocent bees under my shoe in the garden.
One was injured and couldn't fly properly, the other seemed to be sick, or perhaps accompanying it's hurt friend.
The heat and humidity gets to them.
Four crushes each: that's how many it took to be sure they were dead.
On the third, sometimes they would still be struggling, so the fourth was necessary.
I picked them up on a leaf and tossed them into a pot I knew the cat wouldn't get in.
That was the issue, the cat.
I have an adopted cat, and he's blind.
Almost blind, rather: without ninety percent vision.
He's stepped on a bee before, I'm pretty sure.
Or maybe that was another cat.
I'm not sure.
But because he is blind, he's at risk of stepping on bees that are walking on the bricks.
I love my cat, and he is truly my greatest companion.
So, I don't want him to get stung by stepping on a bee.
That's why I felt I had to kill those two.
I was putting washing out, and the cat had come to see me.
In the got weather he likes to lie down at my feet outside, and that was where the bees were.
I had to keep moving him away while I decided how to deal with the bees.
First, I tried moving them with leaves.
This worked initially, but they seemed intent on being on the bricks rather than in the nearby garden bed.
The cat kept getting dangerously close, so I decided to just kill them.
Two possible friends sitting together on manufactured bricks in the inner city, where the only grasses, plants, and flowers are the ones we humans decided were allowed to be there.
And then one, two, three - check - four.
Ones insides squished out by a huge rubber coated foot, right in front of the other.
I wonder if the second bee knew that in mere seconds the same thing would happen to it too.
I felt terrible.
The cat was resting peacefully on the garden bed, and my two yellow friends were resting peacefully wherever bees go when they die.
I have no way of knowing if there is a bee afterlife - all I know is that they are now dead in a sort of mush in a big pot nearby.
Hardly much solace there.
If I hadn't killed them, I would feel irresponsible for my disabled cat.
Now that I have killed them, I feel like a murderer.
It felt so wrong.
But if I had chosen to put the scenario out of my mind and let whatever would happen happen, I would feel wrong also.
I felt I could not 'let nature take its course' because my level of agency in the situation was too great - nature was no longer the greater force, I was.
Oh, the curse of being human in such a world.
What a burden it is to care for animals when to such a degree one is no longer like them - mostly because of human structures and behaviours that restrict so greatly the existence of other life.
Fundamentally, of course, we are still animals, but when dealing with other creatures one often cannot help but feel distanced.
Why must we hold such power over others, and the world?
There certainly seems to be little going back, aside from going to live in the remote wilderness and probably dying.
It crushes one's spirit to bring death into the world.

Rest easy, little ones, and I'm sorry.

10/12/21>Been away from this for a while // The Necessity of Things and the Present
Hi, quick update: I've been very busy with study so haven't used this for ages.
Got some gigs and they've been great.
Many books arrived: Weird and the Eeire, Beyond Good and Evil, Ethics (Spinoza), Ways of Seeing, etc.
Still waiting on a whole bunch more: Deleuze and Guattari, Marcuse, and others!
Might start using this more, who knows.


The Necessity of Things and the Present
Every single occurence that has preceded our current 'present' was necessary for such a present to occur.
This is obvious, and therefore the debate of history often deals with 'degrees of necessity/influence' rather than simply stating that something was necessary in itself.
For instance, it is obvious that for the actions of a particular past individual to have taken place, that individual must have existed.
This is merely a truism.
However, conflict arises when said person's existence is considered to have been necessary for something else (in the past) that does not stem as directly from their existence.
Historians argue over what was the most important detirmining factor for an event, but this of course is always open to interpretation.
So, how can one be sure that an event was directly necessary for something else?
By recalling or discovering that event.
To know that a thing happened is, when it is first learned, an action.
As such, the moment that one learns of an event or directly recalls an event, no matter how long ago or seemingly insignificant that event was, one can say with absolute
certainty that the moment being recalled was necessary for that action of recollection.
The process is circular.
To extrapolate: given that the action of recollection can be seen not simply as isolated, but also as part of a larger overall 'present' moment,
the action being recalled directly necessitates the entire present itself.
Furthermore, given that the 'present' only exists for an intanglible amount of time - it is in fact a kind of illusion -
the action of recollection now has its own place in the past.
Therfore process continues indefinately, always with absolute surety.
Now, the main question this presents (as this observation is by no means ground-breaking or new in itself) is:
"What is the reason for pointing this out? All it shows is that a truism is true - that because a past event is known to have happened, it therefore had to have happened!"
My response is this:
I believe surety to be a powerful thing that eases one's mind and returns to an extent control of one's surroundings.
When dealing with history and the present moment simultaneously, it is possible to become overwhelmed with everything that has happened, and whether if something hadn't happened,
if and to what degree the present would be different.
However, by the simple act of recalling a past event, one can firmly put certainty in the necessity of the present being the way it is.
In essence, what I am describing is a life-affirming action that allows one to simultaeously and specifically link the present to the past, no matter how seemingly removed the two occurences in question are.
The will always be debate surrounding the degrees to which occurences were necessary for others.
However, this can effectively only apply to the comparison of past occurences.
Recollection and learning of history in a present moment forms a link of absolute necessity between the past event and that present.

Had a dream last night that wasn't an experience, but more a vision of a static thing.
It was just 'Lay the groundwork, lay the ground egg'.
No idea what it meant/means, but it's obviously a play on 'lay'.
My hypothesis is that it was sparked by my looking at stupid memes on Instagram.
In particular, one that had some stupid wojak with the text 'Body without organs? You mean like an egg?'.
Like I said, stupid.
That is all.

It's been a hot minute without any updates, but I've been burnt out and busy.
Music is on the way so hopefully the Bandcamp will be up and running in the near future.
Expecting many books in soon from Fisher, Deleuze, Spinoza, and others.
Excited to continue my reading and development of ideas.
Currently reading 'The Magic Mountain' by Thomas Mann and it's fantastic.


8/10/21>No talking today - just listening.

7/10/21>Note about the future of work and corporate control/influence becoming entirely seperate from the public, giving it unchecked power.
Get your worker strikes in now before the virtual workforce is fully introduced.
Protest is easier than sabotage, and once the worker is removed, direct leverage over companies is vastly more difficult.
The only widely available leverage option lies with the consumer,
but a green energy future will undoubtedly under neo-liberal capitalism and perhaps more efficient authoritarian capitalism,
result in consumption being even more enveloping and unbridled.
Consumption is necessary for all, so having power over it gives huge control.
With consumption or societal death being effectively the only remaining options,
what methods does the common person have left to influence their controller and thus their lives and world?

3/10/21> Environmental delusions.
Clean energy and the corporate/industrial shift to renewable power sources is an important step in reducing human impact on the environment.
However, I believe many are deluded in the fact that they believe that this energy shift will allow them to sustainably return to the same lifestyles they lived under fossil fuels.
It is comparatively simple to get an entire industry to change dramatically (as they see further profit to be made in the green sector),
than to convince people that their energy consumption is not independant of its production, and that their consumption in general is already in excess.
This may seem obvious, but green energy has represented humanity's saving grace for a long while now.
There are strings attached, and a society-wide lifestyle shift will need to occur along side technological change to achieve the optimistic 'sustainable world'.
It is infuriating to me that for many a renewable energy future simply allows even more unbridled consumption.
I believe that the 'green shift' is a ripe opportunity for any kind of post-capitalism societal change (note: post-capitalism not anti-capitalism;).
To misquote Marx: "We call communism the coming industry and technological shift to renewable energy the real possibility of a movement which abolishes the present state of things."

3/10/21> Excerpts from my notes app as of late (sign of things to come?)
Classical music from a different world.
Wood as a moving texture.
Black rodents scurry from the corner of my eye.
How much distortion before a face is unrecognisable? By a person? By a machine? How about an object? When does a thing no longer represent its label?
The big lie in half the time.
To build the strongest wall.
Start the battle, never win.
Knitted jumper.
Crack in the door.
Purple poop.
Endless wind.
Berlioz requiem.
No rest.
Amplifier feedback.
Old calender.
Cracks in wall.
A notebook for ideas.
Old phone.

30/9/21> Composing music from an alien world?
Worldbuilding and music - art, culture, etc. of an abstract environment.
Infinite lies just beyond reality.

26/9/21> Spirituality through music.
Listening to a lot of late Coltrane and Pharaoh Sanders lately.
I have been practicing extended saxophone techniques and improvising by creating my own scales over drones and ambient works.
I've managed to extend my range dramatically very quickly, up to altissimo E natural.
Some of the distorted, split tones and multiphonics that can be achieved in this kind of playing have such power behind them.
I can see why this kind of playing is so spiritual.
I too had a spiritual moment today, while playing this music.
I achieved and incredibly high note sounding over these multiphonic runs I was playing, littered with overtones and microtonal stuff.
I was only able to hang onto the note due to intense concentration and willpower.
The way the note fit with the background music was perfect.
Truly a beautiful moment.
I cannot wait to be able to play with real people again.
Personal, spiritual, theory of consciousness and god coming soon.

24/9/21> The Vision.
When I get a fever, I will sometimes have vivid, half-dream half-hallucination visions.
It's to do with a pedestrian crossing near my house, and a big machine.
The machine is massive, and full of gears and levers.
I cannot turn the lever or something, and it is intensely frightening.
Something is moving very fast, and I cannot stop it.
Or something like that.
I hope to be able to create it in some form.

24/9/21> Watched 'In The Soup'.
I loved it, especially the high-contrast black and white colour that gave it a rougher and more surreal finish.
Steve Buscemi is one of my favourite actors.
Perhaps one day I will shoot a film, or maybe just write one.
I've had an idea for a while set in a diner.
Most of it really happened to me and it was surreal.
The trouble is a story.
That's the most important bit.
I've started reading some books about music notation and experimental and electronic music.
Hope to finish my tracks soon.
Eventually, on Bandcamp.
I'm convinced Jazz is the way for me in the real world, though.
I have compiled a list of films I would like to watch below:

22/9/21> Marvelling once again at Coltrane.
Today I watched the John Coltrane documentary "Chasing Trane".
It was well made and revealed a lot of interesting things about Coltrane's personal life that I didn't know about.
He truly reached higher than any man I know of towards the summit of consciousness.
Practiced extra hard today as a result.
I am interested in taking my playing in a new direction.
I will begin taking transcribed phrases, melodies, and interesting rhythms, and reversing them, as well as chopping them up and re-arranging them.
I'm looking for a new sound.
I am also thinking of developing my own time signature/time feel to allow for a different kind of communication.
God is not a being, nor anything knowable.
God is the ultimate possiblity of consciousness.
Ultimate and infinite comprehension.
That 'God' is what we must look for.
To become closer to God is to expand own's own consciousness.
In the Christian sense, God is indeed within all of us.
God is not a thing, but a possibility.

21/9/21> Lost without desire.

20/9/21> Continuing my thinking on consciousness and perception.
Really enjoyed this BBC Podcast about the history of delusions.
It covers both historical cases as well as interviews with sufferers now.
Very short, but very well done.
Link here

18/9/21> Had a dream the other day about being in some Arabian Bazaar.
I was looking for something, or someone, I don't remember.
There was a man in a turban who I noticed throughout the entire dream.
The Bazaar was full of people, but I kept seeing this same guy.
He had a big knife/machete thing in his hand, and every so often he'd take someone from the crowd, bend them over, and behead them.
It was very realistic.
So realistic, in fact, that when I woke up I was impressed by how good a job my brain had done of constructing it.
He beheaded maybe 4 or 5 people through the duration of the dream.
No one seemed to notice or care about what he was doing.
The man wasn't coming for me directly ever, so it wasn't exactly scary, but it was definitely a bit disturbing.
That is all.

17/9/21> Nothing important happened today, but found my head to be in a weird limbo state.
Ended up thinking about some stupid idea about how it was so hard to see water some of the time because it was clear.
My idea was to colour the water so we could see it better.
Bullshit, but at least the brain fog had cleared enough to let something in.
This inspired me to think more about transparency.
If every physical object was transparent, what would the world look like?
Light would still be bent by the actual shape of things, but everything would reveal what was behind it, and so would what was behind said thing, and so on.
Would everything just end up being some kind of distorted light fractal experience that could still kind of be navigated?
Would it all be black because everything would eventually be transparent through to the darkness of space?
Would it be easier to navigate if you were another animal, because you'd see light differently?
Either way, it would probably be a bit shit.
Now I can take comfort in the fact that at least our entire physical reality isn't transparent, when everything seems to be going badly.
I've been feeling a bit transparent myself lately.

16/9/21> Yes, this is a day or two late, but RIP Norm Macdonald.
Truly a master of comedy in its purest form.
Norm once said he was a 'deeply closeted gay man', and as someone in a memorial Youtube video said, it turned out he was also a deeply closeted cancer sufferer too.
As Norm himself said: "I’m pretty sure if you die/cancer dies same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.".

12/9/21> The 20 year anniversary of 9/11 (in the US, yesterday for me in Aus).
I was not alive to witness the tradgedy unfold, but even now seeing those images and footage: it is simply surreal.
To see people jumping to their certain deaths hundreds of meters up in the middle of New York, is insane.
When those planes hit, it almost doesn't look real - planes and buildings simply don't interact like that in life, and yet there it is: happening.
I am also angered by the actions of the US government at the time, and how those same ideals that caused the war in Iraq, and the monetisation of 9/11 are still present today.
I spent my morning (before going to get my first COVID vaccine), watching Michael Moore's fantastic documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11.
A reminder that no matter how unthinkable, immoral, or stupid something is - only active democratic participation and resistance can stop it happening.
People always find new ways to let you down.

11/9/21> Thinking about what radical politics mean in today's age.
Capitalism seems like an undefeatable foe - and to many countries, one that aside from what many argue are inherent exploitations, doesn't appear as evil as it is frequently claimed to be (Australia, for example).
Surely, what we need is radical change - both radical in impact but also radical in means.
In a world where it seems as if everyone and everything is being absorbed by the capitalist machine, we must reframe our thinking to suit our times: tech supremacy and ecological disaster are the theatres of now, and the future.
Below is a fantastic article from 1992 by G.A Cohen: Is there Still a Case for Socialism?

Click to download